Cancer Fighters Thrive is a quarterly print and online magazine bringing readers practical, innovative and inspirational information about cancer treatment and survivorship.
Issue link: http://cancerfightersthrive.epubxp.com/i/259111
32 cancer fighters thrive | spring 2014 cf thrive. com it comes as a surprise, but more often it refects longstanding problems in the marriage." For some survivors, a cancer diagno- sis inspires the desire to make healthier choices in their lives, and that may include ending an unhealthy relationship. Mike Uhl, MA, MDiv, LMFT, Mind-Body Therapist at Cancer Treatment Centers of America® (CTCA) in Newnan, Georgia, says that issues that arise in a relationship during cancer can make patients aware of problems and inspire them to make changes. "They may recognize, Now I have a different direction in life, but the other person isn't really interested in this new direction," Uhl says. "Like any other crisis, if one person feels like he or she has developed or changed, and the other per- son hasn't grown, they can grow apart. This distance can be bridged if the couple makes a commitment to work together to repair the distance issue and re-establish closeness." Although cancer itself is the most logi- cal culprit, some patients may also blame a divorce or separation on themselves, rationalizing that if they had not gotten ill, the marriage would not have ended. But Uhl encourages patients to remember that no one chooses cancer; the choice, he says, comes in how each person reacts to the diagnosis, treatment and changes that occur—which can ultimately determine the outcome of the relationship. Moving Forward Whatever the underlying causes of a divorce or separation, employing strat- egies to cope with the new reality and ensure your own well-being is essential. Toby Dauber, LCSW, works with patients who are coping with chronic illness; she counsels patients to examine their feel- ings and then embrace those aspects of life that bring joy and inspire gratitude. "Usually, when we're down our thoughts are much more dire and catastrophic," she says. "You have to challenge those thoughts: Can you imagine a time when you are going to feel better? What are you grateful for? Who is in your life? Remem- ber what makes you happy, joyful and positive. You don't have to stay stuck in this place." Instead, she says, work to gain perspective and to recognize that "this is what was happening in this situation, this is how you feel and this is how you can feel." Focusing on the future during the treatment phase will also beneft you physically, says Stewart Fleishman, MD, a Fellow of the New York Academy of Medicine and the American Cancer Soci- ety and author of Learn to Live Through Cancer (Demos Health, 2011). "The latest research shows that focusing on recovery during treatment, rather than waiting until treatment is over, can shorten the recovery process," Dr. Fleishman says. While it is true that the time frame for recovery—physical, emotional and spiritual—varies depending on the type and the stage of cancer and the treatment received, letting negative emotions about the end of the relationship take prece- dence is not going to help your healing process. And if you are not able to move forward on your own, says Dauber, it is time to reach out for professional help: "Sometimes it takes some supportive therapy before patients are able to realize that their life doesn't have to stay in this place, and they can refect back and look at the changes and become stronger." Seek Support If you are facing a separation or divorce, your personal network can be invalu- able; family members, friends, your faith community or even work colleagues can provide social support and practical help. "A trusted family member can look at the situation a little more dispassionately and make sure that legal or fnancial matters are protected by enlisting help from attorneys or fnancial planners. Social workers can help access commu- nity resources or entitlement programs," says Dr. Fleishman. A cancer support group or individual therapy can also help you cope—not just as a person with cancer but also as a person without a partner. Look for ser- vices or groups that can tailor support to your situation and provide insight. Imer- man Angels, a nationwide support net- work offering one-on-one support, for example, not only matches patients with "Mentor Angels" according to age, gen- der and cancer diagnosis but also, when possible, to marital status. "The end of any marriage can be MIND-BODY CONNECTION cftSp#23vky.indd 32 2/3/14 11:16 PM